


A problem for my therapist

by FrejaStahl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Love Poems, Not a Love Story, Original Fiction, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Poetry, Prose Poem, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:44:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrejaStahl/pseuds/FrejaStahl
Summary: "My confidence is peaking right now."





	A problem for my therapist

It took a long time for me to accept the person I had turned in to. I wouldn't say I was at a position of loving myself yet, maybe a little bit liking myself. I was still punishing myself mentally, wracked with guilt or sadness or both or worse. Then there were moments - I'd say hours at least where I'd go, no I really like me. Then I'd be back to my usual guilt ridden self again. Validation from other people in the most destructive ways. I wasn't looking for a long time thing, just a shit form of validation from people who I never have seen ever again.

It ebbs and flows. 

I sound like I have a terrible form of anxiety. And I do. 

'But, you're so confident', is the usual response I get (if I happen to mention the above to anyone - which isn't often, by the way). 

A little rush of air passes through my mouth as I force my cheeks into a smile, 'I haven't always been', I smirk keeping the awkward in, 'and I'm a really good pretender', I follow up while a claxon in my mind is blaring with words in neon screaming 'this was a mistake! Abort mission'. Internally it's a constant screaming and struggle. I don't want to be here and yet here we are. It's clear I made the mistake of opening up for real. Don't get me wrong, I talk until the end of time, but usually I'm saying very little.   
'I wish I was able to pretend like that', they exclaim. There's no answer to that in my head really, I nod knowingly, 'don't you just' I pity them in my head. It's not that great. Actually it's really isolating - your family see you as a liability and your friends are few and far between. Just enough friends to keep me busy, just enough space to keep your distance. 

It takes a lot more than a meeting of two bodies for me to be able to engage with someone completely. I'm not confident on what I want. I definitely know what it is that I don't want. But I only know what I don't want until I have completely immersed myself in the situation, way too deep to get out without some form of collateral damage. Things, therefore, are a little tricky to say the least.

I up and leave without telling anyone. I disappear off the face their earth. I want out and away and I'll do my best to do that. Regardless of what they might be feeling. Regardless of what I might be feeling.

Just with utter disregard.

I guess that's really selfish. I recognise it, but I don't 'do' anything about it.

I'll add it to my ever growing list of issues. My therapist is going to enjoy this...allow for some salt there, I don't have the patience for one.

I abide by the 'a problem shared is a problem squared' rule. And it's just so trendy to have a therapist these days that I can't justify it to myself. 

What I didn't count on was actually finding a person who I could be the me I was around, and wasn't bored of after a while, nor did I want to run away. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they want that too right? I guess eventually the way I am was going to catch up with me. I'm not a fan of telling people 'I told you so', but the universe has a hilarious way of telling me just that.

You have to laugh.

Eventually. 

Still, at least it's only a day of not feeling too great for me, and I tend to bounce back. I've tried getting deeper with someone, but I guess it's not really me nor what the universe wants for me. I do tend to think about that moment (of weakness?) I had when I thought things were turning around. But that only ever lasts for bouts of minutes at a time. Also turning around from what exactly? 

Shallow and cheerful works for everyone involved.   
Including me. 

I don't mean to be mean,   
When I go about,   
Breaking your heart in two,   
Sure it was bad,   
when I did that,  
But far worse when it was you.


End file.
